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Saturday, 7 January 2012

He weeps.

People suffer. I don't understand why and all the standard answers just don't cut it. There are times when my heart feels like it has taken over my whole being and is drenched in tears. At those times all I know to do is to pray and remind myself that Jesus wept, he sweated blood, he cried out "my God, my God why have you forsaken me!"

When Paul, my brother, was 25 he committed suicide. My whole being was transported to a foggy and oppressive place.  All I knew at that time was that God is there and he is good. It was in the core of me this knowledge. It was the light that came to me through the fog. I couldn't say that God caused Paul's suffering and death for a higher purpose, I didn't believe it then, I don't believe it now. But I know that Jesus wept.

My brother David died suddenly when he was 43. After I broke the news to my children I went and sat alone. I was struck once again. After a short time Grace, who was 6 at the time, came in and sat beside me and held my hand. We sat quietly like that for a little while and then she said "you know, if one of my brothers died I would be really, really sad."  Then we sat quietly again for awhile.

When Grace was in grade 10 one of her best friends, Geoffrey, died of cancer. Grace was in that place of fog and oppression. My heart wept. I wanted to pull my girl out of that dim place. If I could have  I would have taken her place, but all I could do was hold her and pray and I knew that Jesus wept. I watched Geoffrey's parents go through what must be the hardest sorrow for a parent. My heart wept and I prayed and I knew that Jesus wept too.

I don't know why there is sorrow and suffering. I do know that God is there, God is good and at those times he holds us in his arms and weeps with us.

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