Dawn

Good morning! The words that go through my mind the most in the mornings are:

Holy, holy, holy Lord God Almighty

Early in the morning my song shall rise to thee!

For me morning is the best part of the day. In the morning the day is brand new, the air seems fresher, the world cleaner so it is almost natural that I think of the creator. But I must confess that too often I see prayer and bible reading as a chore. Recently I had a little revelation, probably not a new one to most of you (it's not really new to me, I'm just a little thick sometimes). During one of my morning devotions it came to me like a flash, prayer is not a chore! It is an amazing blessing, a gift without rival. We get to commune with God, the creator of the universe, the all knowing one, the one whose love surpasses all others. Not only do we get to enter this place of intimacy but God wants us to. The Lord wants to have an intimate friendship with us, it is why he made us and prayer is the means by which we can spend uninterrupted time with him. If you are like me my most precious moments with loved ones are not when they are doing tasks for me or bringing me gifts but when we sit down together and spend time talking, listening and enjoying each others company. This is what prayer is meant to be a time for the Lord and his children to enjoy each other's company.

This morning I was reading Philippians 3:1-11 & this quote stood out for me:

"I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord." Phil 3:8a

David:Beloved

I awoke this morning thinking of my brother David. I do not know too much about my his early life because he was four years older than I was. I only know what my parents have told me. David was a very small baby, he weighed just over 4lbs when he was born and he spent some time in an incubator. His digestive system was too weak even for breast milk, he would projectile vomit what my mother fed him so the doctor prescribed a special formula and he grew slowly. He never crawled but rolled everywhere for the longest time. David walked later than most children but by 18 months, he was on his way. At five, David went to kindergarten like most children but it soon became evident that he was not like most children. He did not learn well and the teacher used the words mentally retarded to describe him. I never attended the same school as my brother, he was sent to schools with special classes. 


Growing up with David I came to understand how cruel life could be to those deemed different. David was what the world calls peculiar. He had ticks, often used a voice he called the frog, whispered beneath his breath and bounced when he walked. Children started to make fun of him. They taunted him, imitated the way he walked and called him names. The other children gave him the nickname, Hoppy.  David did not deal well with these things: what child does. He liked people and was gregarious. Being the target of malice must have been confusing and hurtful. He lashed out and ended up being shunted from school to school. It wasn't till we moved out of the city and he started school in Port Perry that he found a place at a school that worked for him. The teacher in charge of the special class was an unorthodox man and David loved him. After his graduation, there were few options for David. He enjoyed fixing TVs and radios so Dad looked into college courses but he'd never achieved more than grade 7 math.  He began to drink, to get drunk. Some people thought it was funny to get him drunk and then watch him. At some point David joined AA and his battle with alcoholism started. In the end, it won. David died at the age of 43.


It was the Christmas season. My parents came down from Owen Sound to stay with us. Several days before Christmas, they went to his apartment to pick him up. There was no answer when they knocked on his door. They knocked harder, and still no answer. They noticed that the lights were on even though David was normally meticulous about turning them off when he went out. They feared that something was wrong. They called David's social worker and he told them that he had not shown up for his usual appointment. They also discovered that he had not made it to his AA meeting that week.  My parents finally called the police and they let them into his apartment. They found my brother at the bottom of the basement steps; he was dead. He was drunk when he died.



David was a slow learner; he was peculiar, often rude and as an adult became an alcoholic but he was more than these things. He loved music, books and horror films, he had girlfriends through the years and he could fix just about anything electronic. I remember him running down the road pulling his toy truck behind him oblivious to everything around him, caught up in the moment. David received a tape recorder for Christmas one year, he recorded everything from toilets flushing to Christmas concerts and family conversations. He rarely walked anywhere, he ran. When he ran, he took no notice of the things around him. I believe he felt free at those times. He was a character; he could imitate a siren better than anyone I have ever met. He loved to use our video recorder. He told my husband he would rather be behind the camera than in front of it. He was not always easy to be around but I love and miss him. 


 David had faith; the chaplain at Whitby Psychiatric hospital told us that he rarely missed a Wednesday evening service. 
One of the things on my mind this morning is his favourite hymn. At church, David would often request the hymn For Those Tears I Died. I have copied the lyrics of this hymn. I think you will understand his love for it when you read the words. 

For those Tears I Died

You said You'd come and share all my sorrows,
You said You'd be there for all my tomorrows;
I came so close to sending You away,
But just like You promised You came there to stay;
I just had to pray!


And Jesus said, "Come to the water, stand by My side,
I know you are thirsty, you won't be denied;
I felt ev'ry teardrop when in darkness you cried,
And I strove to remind you that for those tears I died."


Your goodness so great I can't understand,
And, dear Lord, I know that all this was planned;
I know You're here now, and always will be,
Your love loosed my chains and in You I'm free;
But Jesus, why me?


And Jesus said, "Come to the water, stand by My side,
I know you are thirsty, you won't be denied;
I felt ev'ry teardrop when in darkness you cried,
And I strove to remind you that for those tears I died."


Jesus, I give You my heart and my soul,
I know that without God I'll never be whole;
Savior, You opened all the right doors,
And I thank You and praise You from earth's humble shores;
Take me, I'm Yours.


And Jesus said, "Come to the water, stand by My side,
I know you are thirsty, you won't be denied;
I felt ev'ry teardrop when in darkness you cried,
And I strove to remind you that for those tears I died."
(Marsha Stevens-Pino)


David's life has taught to try not to judge, we all struggle. Some carry burdens that we would be loathe to bear. Jesus does not judge, he shares in those burdens.

Good Friday

It's Good Friday. I want to tell you about Jesus' crucifixion, to convey the love behind it but I cannot even come close. This is what I can tell you that Love willingly walked into his enemies' arms, he became a spectacle, Love allowed men to beat him, taunt him and drive spikes through his hands, Love cried out "My God, my God why have you forsaken me?" then "gave up his spirit." (Matt 27:45& 50).  He knows the anguish of betrayal; he experienced abandonment and pain. He died in my place. This is what I remember on Good Friday.

Jesus did not stay dead. He rose. Betrayal, pain, abandonment did not defeat him. He did not cheat death; he bashed it down finally. We do not need to fear it anymore. We have Jesus who went ahead of us and destroyed it.

This is what I celebrate at Easter. 

Jesus is alive today. He is that friend that sticks closer than a brother, my comforter, Lord and saviour. I have done nothing to earn his love; he gives it freely. This is what I live, breath and know everyday.

And can it be that I should gain
An interest in the Savior’s blood?
Died He for me, who caused His pain—
For me, who Him to death pursued?
Amazing love! How can it be,
That Thou, my God, shouldst die for me?
Amazing love! How can it be,
That Thou, my God, shouldst die for me?


’Tis mystery all: th’Immortal dies:
Who can explore His strange design?
In vain the firstborn seraph tries
To sound the depths of love divine.
’Tis mercy all! Let earth adore,
Let angel minds inquire no more.
’Tis mercy all! Let earth adore;
Let angel minds inquire no more.


He left His Father’s throne above
So free, so infinite His grace—
Emptied Himself of all but love,
And bled for Adam’s helpless race:
’Tis mercy all, immense and free,
For O my God, it found out me!
’Tis mercy all, immense and free,
For O my God, it found out me!

Long my imprisoned spirit lay,
Fast bound in sin and nature’s night;
Thine eye diffused a quickening ray—
I woke, the dungeon flamed with light;
My chains fell off, my heart was free,
I rose, went forth, and followed Thee.
My chains fell off, my heart was free,
I rose, went forth, and followed Thee.

Still the small inward voice I hear,
That whispers all my sins forgiven;
Still the atoning blood is near,
I feel the life His wounds impart;
I feel the Savior in my heart.
I feel the life His wounds impart;
I feel the Savior in my heart.

No condemnation now I dread;
Jesus, and all in Him, is mine;
Alive in Him, my living Head,
And clothed in righteousness divine,
Bold I approach th’eternal throne,
And claim the crown, through Christ my own.
Bold I approach th’eternal throne,
And claim the crown, through Christ my own.

The Continuing Story

Brone's life was full of misery. He was bitter and resentful. Over the years he found himself acting in ways that he despised, instead of being kind to those weaker than himself he was often impatient and harsh. He began to loathe himself.  After Brone met Joshua things began to change. Brone began to think "what if?" That small thought was like a slit in a curtain that had covered his heart for a long time. Now, when Brone was in the market he often heard the name Joshua and began to listen to what people were saying. Once Brone heard, "Joshua rescued that old lady" and another time, "Joshua helped my neighbour pay her debts". Once Brone heard someone say "they say that Joshua helps anyone who asks, he never turns anyone away." The rent in the curtain of despair grew. Brone started to keep his eyes open for Joshua. 

The day that Brone finally came upon Joshua was particularly dark. Jacob had berated him for something that he'd forgotten to do and Brone in return had shouted at a young one. He went to the market that day feeling depressed and hateful. As he turned away from the fish stall he came face to face with Joshua.

"Hello Brone"

Brone did not look at Joshua's face as he replied "Hi."

"How have you been since we last met?"

Brone replied "I've been wretched!"

"Are you ready to trust me and come with me?"

"Why do you even want me? I'm not what you think I am."

"Believe me when I tell you that I know you."

Brone struggled within himself, "how do I know that you aren't lying to me?"

"You've heard others speak of me. What do they say?"

"They say that you are a good man, that you help people."

"It is up to you. You can turn away, go back into the dark or you can trust me and leave it behind."

Brone took a deep breath, grabbed hold of the little courage he had and said "okay, I'll go."

So Brone walked away beside Joshua with his back to the shadows and his face to the sun.

They did not go far before they came to a trim little house. It was not unlike it's neighbours except that it was freshly painted a pale yellow and the curtains were open. 

Joshua said, "this will be your new home." 

They entered a neat living room and went through to the kitchen where a man was at the sink with his back to them. 

"Hello, Michael. I want to introduce you to your new housemate. His name is Brone"

Michael, turned, wiped his hands on his apron and said, "glad to meet you Brone."

"Michael, I'd like you to show Brone around, help him get settled in and show him the ropes."

"Sure thing Joshua, no problem"

"Well then, I'm on my way. Be well Brone."
Joshua left Brone standing in the kitchen with Michael "Come with me and I'll show you around."

Michael took Brone on a tour of the house and brought him to the room that he would be sharing with another young man. 

"Where is everyone Michael?"

"They are all out working."

Brone's heart sank when he heard this.

"We all have work to do. But don't worry it is fair and well suited to each person's talents. You'll be given your assignment in the morning."

"I don't think I have any talents."

"Joshua has a way of knowing what will suit each person. He will give you something that will be both a joy and a challenge."

Brone went to sleep that night in a warm, comfortable bed. For the first time in a long time he slept well and woke up refreshed.

As Michael said Brone was given a job to do and he was happy in it.  His new life was good. He and his housemates shared their responsibilities equally. Twice a week they would gather with others for a community meal. At these meals some would serve while others ate and then those that had eaten first would serve. While they lived, worked and ate together Joshua would visit often. He would teach them and take them out on "rescue missions" to find other lost souls. Sometimes small squabbles would break out but they were short lived, Joshua's teachings were about grace and forgiveness.

One day Brone was serving at the community meal when he saw Jacob enter the room. Alarmed and angry, Brone thought "what is that monster doing here?" He rushed to find Joshua and warn him of his old enemy's presence. "Joshua! Jacob is here! What should I do?"

"Go and serve him, Brone."

"What! Do you know what that man did to me? Do you know how despicable and untrustworthy he is?"

"I know him just as I know you."

"But he is so much worse than I ever was!"

"Jacob has left his old way of life and all who are willing to leave the old and embrace the new are welcome here. Trust me."

Brone went and served Jacob his meal but he could not look at him. Jacob said thank you and Brone did not reply.

After the meal Brone stayed behind to talk to Joshua.

"I don't understand why you made me serve that man."

"Because you need to let go of old grievances in order to heal. If you don't let go the old blackness will overtake you and you will be lost again."

"But I don't know how."

"You started tonight when you served Jacob. Continue to bless Jacob and one day you will find that love has replaced hatred."

Joshua paused then said, "Now I'm going to tell you something. Do you remember the conversation we had long ago? I told you that all children start in a place like Kadera and that some leave before they are ready?"

"Yes, I remember."

"Brone you were a child of nine when you were lead away. Jacob was barely four. The only life he's known has been one of cruelty and injustice. We must be patient with him so that he can learn to live a life of justice and mercy. Will you agree to help me in this?"

Brone, humbled by Joshua's words agreed. It wasn't an easy or short road but little by little he found that he was able to let go of pain and anger. Brone began to love Jacob and in the end learned to love himself.

Once upon a time

Zack lived in the land of Kadera. His life was pain free and easy. In the mornings he would bounce out of bed with a song. Kadera was a land of light. In winter the snow sparkled and was perfect for tobogganing and constructing snow people and houses. In spring the rain was clear and warm, the children would dance, sing and splash in the puddles. The summers were long and green and they swam and played games till dusk. They had naps under leafy elms and oaks, drank pink lemonade and ate sweet berries.  They played games among the branches of trees, swinging from branch to branch. As the days grew shorter the trees put on vibrant coats of gold, saffron, auburn and carmine. Hills were a challenge to conquer. they would run or cycle up them and then soar back down. It was not possible to be unhappy in Kadera. If a child fell and scraped a knee the injury healed quickly and left no scar. Zack was blissfully free, he ran like the wind was carrying him, scurried up trees like a squirrel, laughed heartily and sang without constraint.
The only thing that disturbed the peace of Kadera was that once in a while a child would disappear. Some one would be there in the evening and then in the morning they would be gone. The children would talk for a while about where their friend could be but then the snow or rain would begin to fall or some one would spy a rabbit and they'd be off to new adventures.
Zack was playing in the woods one clear summer day. He was high in a tree when he spied a stranger.  Curious, Jack scurried down and landed at the strangers feet. The stranger was unlike anyone Zack had ever met, he had to tilt his head back to see his face. There was a dark shadow on the stranger's face and it appeared to be growing out of his skin.
 "Whoa, you're tall!"
The stranger cleared his throat, held out his hand and replied, "I'm Jacob and who are you?"
"My name's Zack"
The stranger smiled and said "very glad to meet you Zack, I have come to open your eyes."
"But my eyes are open, I can see. You are standing right before me, the leaves on the trees are green and the sun is shining. What else is there?"
"Ah Zack, the things you don't know could fill an ocean and I can teach about them."
"Well then lets get on with it."
Zack and the stranger sat down with their backs against the tree and talked until the world around them grew pink and gold and Zack grew sleepy.
Jacob, seeing the his young friend's eyes droop said. "That's enough for one day. Meet me here tomorrow and we'll continue but don't tell anyone. This must remain secret or you will never see me again."
Zack agreed to keep the secret and ran home to a good meal and a soft bed. He slept soundly, his dreams were full of wonder.
He returned the next day, and many days following.
One day Jacob said to him, "I cannot tell you anymore, it is time to show you. You need to come with me and experience these things."
"I'm not sure. This place is good, I'm happy."
"Oh but you are missing out. There is a whole world out there to see. Spectacles you can't imagine."
Zack thought about it. He wasn't sure he wanted to leave his golden land.
"If you stay here you will never know what is beyond this place and I will not come here again."
Zack was beguiled. He wanted to see and experience the things Jacob had told him about.
"Let me go home, say good-bye to my friends and tell them that I am going away to have adventures."
"No Zack. You must come now or not at all. You're not afraid are you?"
Zack was unsure, torn.
"I'll look after you and show you the world. I won't let any harm come your way."
"Okay. But promise me that I can come back if I miss this place."
"I will never keep you from happiness."
So Zack and Jacob left the woods with their backs to the sun. They walked for days. As they traveled the world became barren. Zack began to worry that things may not be as Jacob had promised but he did not know his way home, he was lost. After a while they came to a drab place full of concrete and dingy buildings. He asked "what is this place?"
Jacob replied, "it is a city"
Zack was astounded, this place was grey, it stank and the noise was appalling. It did not look like the gleaming, joyous, exciting place Jacob had told him about. They came to a unadorned, unpainted house and entered.
Jacob said "Here is your new home."
Zack stared at the worn furniture, the grimy windows and scuffed floors. He felt tears behind his eyes and then his face was wet. "I want to go home."
"I don't think so. I have paid your way, for rooms and three meals a day. Now it is time for you to pay me back."
Jacob brought him to a room upstairs, shoved him in and locked the door. The room was filled with unhappy looking children. He stood there with tears running down his face, unable to look up. He found a corner, slumped down and fell asleep.
Zack's waking hours were filled with dull work and his sleep with terror. When Jacob was displeased with him he would beat him.
Zack dragged himself out of bed each morning. He no longer looked anyone in the face, he felt foolish, ashamed. Joy was gone. There were no more songs, games or stories. His old life was a fantasy. He learned to make himself small, keep his head down and speak in a low voice. Jacob renamed him Brone.
After many years Brone met a man in the market place named Joshua who struck up a conversation with him. Brone told the man about his life and Josh offered him a way to freedom. Brone said he just wanted to go back to his land of Kadera. The man told him that he couldn't go back. "Once a person leaves Kadera they can never return. All people start in a place like Kadera but no one stays there, sooner or later they must leave. Some leave at a young age, before they are ready. Others stay until they mature. For the young ones, like you were, it is an alarming experience that marks them for a long time. But there is a way. A new place, a new life." Brone listened politely but could not accept the man's words. He had been betrayed before, lead away by sweet words and glorious but empty promises.
Brone bid Joshua good-bye and went back to his dreary life.

Good News!

 "Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ." Phil 1:27.This was the bible verse for day two of 40 days in the word.

As I was pondering this verse the phrase "worthy of the gospel of Christ" popped out at me. How can I "conduct" myself in a manner that is "worthy" of it? I started by thinking about being well-behaved but then my mind took a different turn. I began to think about the gospel of Christ and what it is. The gospel is often referred to as "good news." If the gospel of Christ is news what is that news and what makes it good? It is the news that Christ died on the cross and rose again. It is good because it is about forgiveness, reconciliation, grace and love.  We have been separated from God but he loves us and has made a plan for our return to him. It is the news that we don't need to try to gain his favour by our actions he has given it to us. I have done nothing to merit my status as child of God. It was done for me by him. He took the insults, the scorn, the nails and thorns. He died in my place.
I believe what the Lord is telling me isn't that I am to be "better behaved" than others but that I have been granted a great gift which I did not earn. I need to be aware of that. My inner attitude and outer conduct toward others needs to be humble, gracious, forgiving and loving no matter what.  I have "sinned and fallen short of the glory of God" (Rom 3:23) I live in His grace daily. I still sin, he is working on me from the inside out. Not everyone can tell that "I am a new creation" all the time, in all situations.

The other aspect of the "gospel of Christ" is self-sacrifice. Too often, in too many situations my attitude is one of self-preservation. I must look after my own interests first. I must make sure that I win at all costs. This attitude has done real harm in the past. I fight tooth and nail for My rights, for My position. I have been insulted, My pride has been hurt. The craziness is that too often while fighting for my own I actually lose something. I throw darts and wound those who are closest to me, and I lose a little bit of their trust.  In my lack of humility I abase the gospel of Christ.


For me Phil 1:27 echoes Micah 6:8 "He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."

I believe the only way that I can achieve these things is to keep close to him, depend on him. I can't do this alone, I've failed a lot trying. Day three's verse says this "God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him." (Phil 2:13) and what pleases him?--->Micah 6:8
I know that I will fail to live up to this at times but the gospel of Christ means that I need to confess, accept forgiveness, forgive myself, pick myself up and carry on.

My list of honour

Last Thursday was International Women's day, our local paper printed a list of women leaders in the community and the editorial featured the names of some of the prominent leaders of our region. I thought that I would write up my own list of women whose lives have inspired me over my lifetime.


Biblical women of note:


Ruth-as a widow she left the security of family and homeland to accompany her widowed mother-in-law back to her land. She gave her word that she would not leave her mother-in-law saying to her "Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried." Ruth kept that word. She cared for her mother-in-law, she went out into the fields and picked up the grain that was left behind so that they could eat. She inspires me to be loyal and keep the promises that I've made.


Deborah- she led Israel as a judge, people came to her for decisions about all kinds of things. She went out to battle with Israel. She inspires me to believe that God calls both men and women into ministry.


Anna- was a fixture at the temple "worshiping day and night," she was a widow and a prophetess. At 84 she witnessed the dedication of Jesus and recognized hem for who he was. Then she went and told everyone about it. She inspires me to remember that the physical world is not the only world and to let others know about Christ.


Famous women


Rosa Parks-She inspires me with her courage in the face of incredible opposition.


Mother Theresa-Inspires me with her self-sacrifice, her willingness to answer the call from God and spend her days taking care of the lowest of the lowest. She makes me remember that there is no such thing as the lowest of the lowest. In Gods eyes we are all precious. She is one of my all time biggest heroes. 


Everyday women who are anything but:


These women all raised their children and then returned to work. They have inspired me to believe that it is never too late to start something new:



Aunt Elizabeth- went to seminary and became a Presbyterian minister.
Aunt Margaret- went back to university after raising 8 children and became a teacher.
Anita Teeninga- went to college and received a diploma as a speech therapy technician. She had to leave her home for a year and live in a city about an hours drive away(more during rush hour).
Mary Blake- Took courses online and became a library reference technician.


These women are a large part of the reason that I have returned to school, without their example I may not have done it.



The following women have taught me that seemingly small acts of kindness can make a huge difference. 


Shirley Evans- she gave her time to me when I was a young mother with 5 small children. She came and visited, chatted and folded laundry. She brought me soup and picked up groceries and medicine for me when I was stuck in the house with a bunch of sick kids. She baby-sat for me when my mother-in-law passed away and then again so that I could go to counselling sessions.


Barb Buldyke- a woman who has often blessed me with prepared meals during times of difficulty. She has also done some child minding for me.


Val Penney- Blessed me with encouragement, friendship and many meals. When my mother died 4 years ago she and her husband drove the 3 hours to Stratford to attend the funeral.


Aunt Mimi-left her home and family to follow my father to Canada as she promised she would. She is a soft spoken, kind woman. She inspires me to loyalty and gentleness.



My favourite professional woman:


Amy Caughlin-my boss-  Took over as the CEO of our local library and saw us through a major renovation project. She has made the library  welcoming to people of all ages and a great place to work and study. She initiated programs for all ages. Our library now has programs for preschoolers, school aged children, teens and adults. The library has become a happening place because of this focused and accomplished woman.


The women nearest and dearest to me:


My Mother-Helen Neil Walton de Wever- She raised 5 children, went through many sad  and difficult times and never let them embitter her. She was welcoming and nonjudgmental.  Her strength came from the one who is strength, her peace from the one who is peace and her love from the source of all love. She has inspired me to seek out the Lord at all times.


My daughters- Tina, Anna and Grace- these three women inspire me with their strength, determination, creativity and devotion to a relationship with Christ. They cause me to marvel at the diversity of personalities in one family. 
They inspire me to actively pursue my relationship with the Lord.


Well this is my personal list, what does yours look like?