Springs of Living Water

Before I met Jesus I was thirsty. I drank from many wells but came away more thirsty. I was a pre-teen pariah so I checked out the well of the cool. I thought I'd found my circle but it turned out I was a square and the water was polluted. I drank the party life and woke the next morning with a hangover thinking never again. Several days later I'd wake with another hangover. One day I said enough I'll try the well of human affection but that well ran dry quickly.

 

I knew where the best water was. The coolest, freshest, living water. I didn't want to go there, it meant abandoning the other wells I'd dug. I didn't care that the water of one was polluted, another brackish and one completely dry they were my wells and I wanted them.

 

I didn't know the joy of drinking cool, fresh water. I didn't know the comfort of having a source of living water.

 

One day Jesus met me at one of my wells and he said, "so how's the water?"

I said "not the best but its all I have so I guess it will have to do." 

He said to me "why settle? My water really is the best and it never runs out."

"Jesus, I'm afraid. I don't want to be dissappointed, left sick with dysentery, in pain and thirsty again.

Jesus said "Trust me." 

 

On a day when I was sick with dysentery, in pain and thirsty Jesus words came back. I was sobbing hot tears and I heard him say, "trust me." At that moment I decided to abandon my wells and let him lead me. 

 

There have been tears in my life. I have walked throught the valley of Baca (lamentation). Jesus is the spring in those thirsty lands. Jesus causes the deserts to bloom. He is my strength, comfort, peace and joy.  

 

Psalm 84

How lovely is your dwelling place,
O Lord of hosts!
My soul longs, yes, faints
for the courts of the Lord;
my heart and flesh sing for joy
to the living God.

 Even the sparrow finds a home,
and the swallow a nest for herself,
where she may lay her young,
at your altars, O Lord of hosts,
my King and my God.
 Blessed are those who dwell in your house,
ever singing your praise! Selah

 Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
in whose heart are the highways to Zion.
 As they go through the Valley of Baca
they make it a place of springs;
the early rain also covers it with pools.
They go from strength to strength;
each one appears before God in Zion.

 O Lord God of hosts, hear my prayer;
give ear, O God of Jacob! Selah

 Behold our shield, O God;
look on the face of your anointed!

 For a day in your courts is better
than a thousand elsewhere.
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
than dwell in the tents of wickedness.

 For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
the Lord bestows favor and honor.
No good thing does he withhold
from those who walk uprightly.
O Lord of hosts,
blessed is the one who trusts in you!

 

 

Cross references:

1. Psalm 84:1 : Ps. 8, title; 81, title
2. Psalm 84:1 : Ps. 42, title
3. Psalm 84:1 : [Ps. 27:4]
4. Psalm 84:1 : Ps. 43:3; 132:5
5. Psalm 84:2 : [Ps. 42:1, 2; 63:1]
6. Psalm 84:2 : [Ps. 73:26; 119:81; 143:6; Job 19:27]
7. Psalm 84:2 : See Ps. 42:2
8. Psalm 84:3 : Ps. 5:2
9. Psalm 84:4 : See Ps. 65:4
10. Psalm 84:4 : Ps. 42:5, 11; 43:5
11. Psalm 84:5 : [Ps. 122:1]
12. Psalm 84:6 : Joel 2:23
13. Psalm 84:6 : Ezek. 34:26
14. Psalm 84:7 : Prov. 4:18; Isa. 40:31; [John 1:16; 2 Cor. 3:18]
15. Psalm 84:7 : See Ps. 42:2
16. Psalm 84:8 : See Ps. 59:5
17. Psalm 84:9 : Ps. 80:14
18. Psalm 84:9 : See Ps. 3:3
19. Psalm 84:10 : ver. 2
20. Psalm 84:10 : 1 Chr. 26:19
21. Psalm 84:11 : Isa. 60:19, 20; See Ps. 27:1; Mal. 4:2; Rev. 21:23
22. Psalm 84:11 : [See ver. 9 above]; See Ps. 3:3
23. Psalm 84:11 : Ps. 85:12; [Ps. 34:9, 10; Matt. 6:33; 7:11]
24. Psalm 84:11 : Ps. 15:2; Prov. 2:7
25. Psalm 84:12 : See Ps. 2:12

Here in the grace of God

Today my bible reading was the story of Jesus calming the storm.

"Then he [Jesus] got into the boat and his disciples followed him. Suddenly a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!”
 He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm." (Matthew 8:23-26)


  In the past when I read this passage I heard Jesus speaking angrily, gruffly as though saying "oh man not again, when are these people ever going to learn!" For the first time I heard a different tone in Jesus voice. I heard him speak gently to his disciples, without annoyance, anger or harshness but gently as though teaching children a lesson.

Reading this story reminded me of I Corinthians 13 so I read it too. These passages stood out to me, 1 Cor 13:4-7 "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;  it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

Reading 1 Cor 13 reminded me of Matthew 7:1-5. In this passage Jesus tells us not to judge others and says "In the same way you judge others you will be judged...first take the plank out of your own eye."

I realized that I don't love the way Jesus loves. I get irritable with others, am often easily angered, I don't bear all things, I am arrogant and rude at times, I don't always let go of wrongs but hang onto them. In short, I fall short and am in need of God's love, grace and forgiveness daily. But I don't always grant grace to others.

It amazes me how patient Jesus is with me. He didn't simply forgive me, he went to the cross for me. He made the ultimate sacrifice for me.

Who am I to withhold forgiveness, grace? Who am I to recount my neighbours wrongs against me?

"Here in the grace of God I stand."(Dave Bilbrough)

When I see my grievances in the light of Jesus cross, I see the pettiness and the grubbiness of my own heart and I repent.  Once again  I stand amazed at his love and his patience. It is his goodness that inspires me to let go of my paltry complaints and ask him to create a clean heart within me.

Love divine, all loves excelling,

Joy of heaven to earth come down;
Fix in us thy humble dwelling;
All thy faithful mercies crown!
Jesus, Thou art all compassion,
Pure unbounded love Thou art;
Visit us with Thy salvation;
Enter every trembling heart.

Breathe, O breathe Thy loving Spirit,
Into every troubled breast!
Let us all in Thee inherit;
Let us find that second rest.
Take away our love of sinning;
Alpha and Omega be;
End of faith, as its Beginning,
Set our hearts at liberty.

Come, Almighty to deliver,
Let us all Thy life receive;
Suddenly return and never,
Never more Thy temples leave.
Thee we would be always blessing,
Serve Thee as Thy hosts above,
Pray and praise Thee without ceasing,
Glory in Thy perfect love.

Finish, then, Thy new creation;
Pure and spotless let us be.
Let us see Thy great salvation
Perfectly restored in Thee;
Changed from glory into glory,
'Til in heaven we take our place,
'Til we cast our crowns before Thee,
Lost in wonder, love, and praise. (Charles Wesley)

I love this hymn but the last verse always gets to me. When we stand before this LORD who is love what will we do. We will realize our own "crowns" are nothing and will cast them down before Him who has the right to be called the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords.

His Way

Have you ever been wounded? Have you ever experienced a wound that slashed through your life and affected every aspect? Some people can say no while others know that some experiences leave you scarred, perhaps even handicapped in some ways.

When I became a Christian I thought, was led to believe, that anger, hate and depression would automatically be swept away by the flood of Jesus love. Jesus' love dramatically affected me, I was no longer alone and knew an unconditional love like none other. However, I was surprised by the anger and hatred that lingered within me. I learned the words, "Forgive as you have been forgiven" and I really tried to but the feelings of anger kept coming back. I was ashamed of those feelings so I tried to push them down but they seemed to grow. As the feelings intensified I became even more ashamed so I pushed down harder. I cried, "Lord please help me to forgive," but still I didn't seem to be able to let go. Finally I became depressed, I hated myself and I thought about dying a lot.

 Around this time we started going to a new church, one that had a professional counselor on staff. I decided with fear and trembling to pay  him a visit. Over the course of months I told him my story, one that few knew, and he helped me to sort through the confusion. As we walked through my experiences step by step, we prayed and step by step, I let go of my pain and I forgave. After months I found relief from anger, feelings of hatred and my depression was lifted off me like a heavy wet blanket.

Forgiveness can be a complicated matter. Sometimes one can forgive easily because the wound is little more that an abrasion other times it is a deep and wide gash or a cut that that has been opened over and over again. These injuries need treatment and time to heal.

After my sessions were over I thought that I would never have to deal with those feelings again but some things go deep and lurk in hidden crannies and then pop up when least expected. At these times I seek out help and talk things over, hidden things tend to grow rotten and create problems, talking about them helps to sweep them away.

I am the one who has benefitted the most from forgiveness. I have peace and true joy in my heart rather than turmoil and pain.

Sometimes we feel that we can't forgive because it means letting the person off the hook. Forgiveness is not the same as making excuses for a person. When we hurt others there is always a price to pay so when someone misbehaves and willfully hurts others they need to be held accountable for their actions. The Lord does not excuse our bad behaviour we must come to him and contritely confess our sins to recieve his forgiveness and grace. We are saved to eternal life and God calls us his children but there are still earthly consequences for our sins, we do not escape them and we shouldn't. Jesus says "if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift."(Matthew 5:23 &24)

Forgiveness does not mean making excuses for or letting people off the hook or allowing them to continue hurting others. Forgiveness means letting go of hurt, loving that person whole heartedly and praying for the Lord's blessings on them. Love and forgiveness do not always come instantly at our bidding or easily but if we are willing Jesus who is love can and will help us. I am thankful that he was patient with me and helped me.

I Corinthians 13

13 If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.  If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,but do not have love, I gain nothing.

 

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.  For we know in part and we prophesy in part,  but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.  For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Lately certain verses are resonating with me.

"Blessed [happy] are the poor in spirit [the humble], for theirs is the kingdom of heaven" (Matthew 5:3)
“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal" (Matthew 6:19)
"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."(Matthew 6:33)

These verses speak to me because sometimes I get caught up in thinking about how I look, the clothes I wear, my hair style, make-up, the stuff I own. I have been influenced by the media that tells me that I should try to "look seven years younger" or that I need to own a certain pair of shoes, dress in fashionable clothes and look a certain way (Good Housekeeping). The truth is that I can only take this kind of thinking for so long before I break down. Experience has taught me that this is not the way to happiness or a sense of fulfillment but that this leads to feelings of futility. With this world's "water" I need to keep returning to the well time after time, Jesus however promises that "whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” (John 4:14)

Jesus knows the futility of setting my hopes and dreams on what our culture says is desirable, material goods, intellectual advancement, beauty or critical acclaim. Using these devices to fix what is wrong doesn't work because our satisfaction erodes with time and we must seek more. If I build a house out of sand adding more sand as it erodes will not fix the problem, I need to start over again using a completely different material. (Matthew 7:24-27)

“Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it."

Once in a while I forget Jesus words and I begin to build a little sand castle for myself and then Jesus reminds me of his words.

 "Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness"

The following is an old hymn. We sometimes think that hymns are out of style but I have found that they hold wisdom that is often lacking in our culture and times. I know that I have much to learn from these oracles of God.


A Hymn of Grace

THE SOLID ROCK

Keith W. Ward



My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus’ name.

When darkness veils His lovely face,
I rest on His unchanging grace;
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.

His oath, His covenant, His blood
Support me in the whelming flood;
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my hope and stay.

When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh, may I then in Him be found;
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne.

Refrain:
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand,
All other ground is sinking sand.

Daylight

Last month I wrote about my brother Paul who committed suicide.

Sometimes when we open up our hearts to others we expose dim, dusty corners. It's like opening the curtains on a sunny morning. What had been gray and indistinct becomes clear, you can suddenly see detail.

After I wrote that post, one memory kept coming back to me. It was the last conversation I had with my brother. The kids and I were in Owen Sound visiting my parents. At the time we had three children, a seven month old, a two year old and a nine year old. We'd spent part of the day with Paul. The rest of the day was spent keeping up with the children. During the afternoon and evening Paul called numerous times to speak with my mother. She was a patient, kind and understanding woman, her heart went out to anyone who needed help. She was a good listener, which is why Paul called her so often. Sometimes though, it's the compassionate, kind people who wear themselves out. That evening my mother was exhausted. When my brother called for the umpteenth time that day, I picked up the phone, he wanted to speak to my mother again. I told mom who it was and her face fell, she was wiped out, drained. I felt caught, my brother needed to talk, my mother was worn out. I thought maybe he would talk to me. I told him that Mom was worn out and needed a rest, too tired to come to the phone. Paul exploded! He screamed in my ear. At that moment I knew that any conversation was not possible so I said, "Paul I love you but I have to hang up now." He yelled again and I hung up. It was the last time I spoke to him, he died less than a week later.

Remembering this makes me deeply sad. I have never really thought about that last conversation. I didn't wanted to look at that memory, I kept it in a corner, half hidden. I was aware of it but I ignored it. I didn't want to look at it because it hurt too much and I had those awful niggling feelings of guilt.

Since I wrote the post that memory has been exposed to the fresh air and light of Jesus love. I have cried, mourned. I wish that my last conversation with my brother had been pleasant, but it wasn't. I have talked with Jesus about it and he is helping me to see the memory more clearly. My brother had attempted suicide before, more than once. He was a troubled young man and I was unable to help him, it was beyond me, beyond my mother, father or any of my other brothers. We did what we could and it wasn't enough. We are only human.

 Paul gave his heart to Jesus, he went through the waters of baptism, but still suffered in a way that few understand. He is with the Lord in a place where there is no sorrow or suffering.  The Lord gave me this portion of scripture long ago about my brother, "A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out." God's grace is greater than any other; he is full of compassion and mercy.



Wonderful the matchless grace of Jesus,
Deeper than the mighty rolling sea;
Wonderful grace, all sufficient for me, for even me.
Broader than the scope of my transgressions,
Greater far than all my sin and shame,
O magnify the precious Name of Jesus.
Praise His Name!

Runaway!

When I was young, I ran away from God.

At the age of twenty, I was a new mother, living with a man who was still married to someone else. We lived in Alberta. When the economy turned bad I returned to my parents' house while the man I was living with looked for work. At home, I encountered Jesus and came face to face with my own heart. He spoke to me of his love and goodness, of the sacrifice that he had made for me. I saw my heart in light of his goodness, purity and faithfulness. I saw my unworthiness. I had been living a half-life, solely devoted to myself and pursuit of happiness. I understood that he was offering me more than happiness or pleasure. In him, I would find a well of living water, fresh, clear and satisfying. As the months wore on he spoke to me and said "don't go back to Alberta, trust me, I will be all you need, I will fill all the gaps." I came very close to giving in, I even called the man I loved and told him I would not be returning. Then sanity returned. I had given over a year of my life to this man, had a child with him. I faltered in my determination to stay in Ontario. I called him back in tears and said, "Forget what I just told you, I'm coming back".

Once I had made the decision to return to Alberta, I closed my ears to Jesus voice, ignored the scratchy feeling in my heart that told me I was making a mistake. I ran away from God and into another's arms where I had no business being. I thought I could go back to life as usual but I had no peace. I could not turn off the voice of God no matter how hard I tried. I was lonely during the day and terrified at night. When my partner was away from home over night I could not bring myself to turn out the light, I would lie curled in a ball under my covers until I fell asleep. Everywhere I looked, I encountered the Lord's message, on billboards, in songs, at the library. Every time I turned around he was there and yet I was far from him. "Day and night [his] hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped." (Psalm 32:4) Finally, one day I could stand it no longer I got down on my knees and cried, "Oh God, forgive me! I can't ignore you anymore and I don't want to live without you! I don't care what I have to do; I want to have you in my life." At that moment I knew, he was asking me to leave the man I loved, the one I had a child with. I tried to get out of it, I asked the man if we could get married, but he said no. When he said no my heart sank and I said, "Well then I think I have to leave." There was no pleading, no argument, just "yes, I guess you do."

It was not easy; I cried for 7 days off and on, I could not seem to stop the tears. In the end, I got on a plane and returned to Ontario. As I walked away from the man, I loved, a weight fell from me, my sorrow disappeared and I was free. I never turned back.

When I left Alberta I didn't know if I would be single for the rest of my life. I could not see mysef ever loving another man. After a few years I began to long for a partner. My focus changed from living for the Lord to living for the day when I'd be married. My peace was disturbed, I became dissatisfied, lonely.  But God is good and he turned my eyes back on him and my peace returned.

One day the Lord brought a good man into my life, I fell in love and got married. Pete and I have shared 25 years together. God has been faithful, he has helped us change and grow together as we raised our children and made our way through life. It was the Lord's plan for me to have someone special, I just had to wait for his timing and his man.

The Lord has never let us down. At our wedding we sang the hymn, "Great is thy faithfulness" and I have discovered the truth of that. I am overwhelmed daily at his love and goodness. I am blessed daily by his grace. He has promised "I am with you always, even to the end of the age". He is faithful.

 I have also discoverd that the Lord is that "river of living water" and I need never be thirsty.

There is a river that flows from deep within.
There is a fountain that frees the soul from sin.
Come to these waters, there is a vast supply.
There is a river that never shall run dry. (Sapp)

Praise the Lord, my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
² Praise the Lord, my soul,
and forget not all his benefits—
³ who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
⁴ who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
⁵ who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s. Psalm 103:1-5

Eclipse

My youngest brother was spunky, boisterous and fearless as a child. He had charisma and his smile lit up his whole face. Paul never shied away from anything. He learned to ride a bike at an early age and I remember him joyously launching himself and his bike off a jump that older kids wouldn't attempt.

Paul was smart, athletic, out going and popular with other kids.  He sounds like every parents dream but he wasn't the easiest child to raise. From a young age he displayed an explosive temper. When he was four he lifted one end of our heavy dining room table and slammed it down breaking off one of its feet, in a rage of temper.

At sixteen almost everything changed, he became withdrawn and troubled. Paul started hearing voices and had uncontrollable racing thoughts. The world that had been spread before him suddenly closed in on him. He wasn't able to go to school, he lost friends. My mother and I sat up with him at night, he was afraid to go to sleep because of nightmares. He and I played countless games of cribbage and concentration. His room became his prison but it was worse than that, he was stuck inside a shifting erratic and uncertain world where anything could happen, it was a living nightmare. He couldn't get away because his monsters traveled with him everywhere. At sixteen he was admitted for the first time to a psychiatric ward, it was an unnerving experience for him. For the next ten years my brother was admitted time after time to psychiatric wards and hospitals. The doctors tried to find the right combination of drugs to help him but they never did.

When Paul was sixteen we were introduced to the mental illness called schizophrenia. It was a terrifying word to us we didn't understand what it meant. We slowly became educated. We learned that schizophrenics are not "crazy people" or "lunatics." Schizophrenics suffer from a chemical imbalance in the brain. The following quote was taken from a web site called camh.ca: Some people recover fully, return to their jobs or finish school; others find they cannot cope with their jobs or studies after an active phase of schizophrenia. Unfortunately my brother was one of the "others" he tried to hold down jobs and attend school but found that he could not cope.


At twenty-five, after years of being admitted, released and admitted to hospitals, after being prescribed one drug after another my brother gave up. He said that he'd been searching for years for the diamond in an endless pile of manure and had come to the conclusion that the diamond just didn't exist.


The phone call came while we were at church. In those days we went to a church out in the middle of a corn field and the church phone was located at the pastorate next door. At some point after church, I realized that my husband was missing. Someone informed me that he was next door answering a phone call. I don't why, but my heart sank and I decided to go to him. I walked toward him as he came across the field from the pastorate. As I got closer his head went down and I said "its Paul isn't it?" He answered "yes, your brother called, Paul is gone, he's committed suicide." The air was sucked out of me and I collapsed in a heap on the grass. Pete picked me up and carried me to the house. Everything happened quickly. People offered to look after our kids for us and then we were at home packing. I tried to pack to go to my parent's place but my mind was frozen, stuck in park. The day after getting to Owen Sound we had to make a trip to the mall because I'd packed so little. That time was like living through a long lasting total eclipse of the sun. Everything I thought I knew was wiped away and all I had left was one small point of light deep within myself. That light was God saying "I'm still here Ruth." The funeral was bleak, our minds filled with "what ifs?" My brother John sobbed all the way through it and I held onto myself tightly because I knew that if I let go I wouldn't be able to stop the torrent. 


Suicide is different from other deaths. My brother David died at forty-three and my mom died four years ago and I was sad, I cried and grieved but I wasn't completely overwhelmed. When Paul died the sun was blotted out and I walked around in a haze for months. To this day I can't talk about his death without tears. I've gotten over most of the guilt, the "what if I'd" questions but there is still that niggling feeling, that maybe? 


I really don't have any answers about why things turned out the way they did. I always thought that if something like this happened to me I'd lose my faith but I didn't. God by his grace sustained me through it all.