Take my yoke...

A couple of weeks ago I finished reading the newly published Harper Lee book, "Go Set a Watchman", and since then I have been thinking a lot about the following passage:

“I mean it takes a certain kind of maturity to live in the South these days. You don't have it yet, but you have a shadow of the beginnings of it. You haven't the humbleness of mind-" (Uncle Jack Finch)

"I thought the fear of the Lord was the beginning of wisdom." (Jean Louise Finch--Scout)

"It's the same thing. Humility.” (Uncle Jack Finch)

I think that Harper Lee is saying many things in her conversation between Uncle Jack and Scout, but the thing that struck me on a personal level was the idea of humility.

 Reading this quote was like waking up one morning and seeing something that I had only ever seen in the dark. Suddenly what I thought I knew took on a new shape. Since then the idea of humility as essential in our relationships with God and with others has dogged me, and I know that it is a quality that I need.

I have begun to see that humility is the beginning of wisdom because those who have it start from the premise that they are fallible. Humble people listen carefully because they realize that if they do they may learn something. They remember that every single person has great worth.

Why does Uncle Jack tell "Scout" that she lacks maturity and humbleness of mind? He observes Jean Louise's behaviour when she realizes that her father and her friend believe something abhorrent. Jean Louise confronts them belligerently, and then goes "home" to pack in order to run back to New York. Scout's idol has crashed (her idealized version of her father), and she is going to take her ball and bat and go home. Uncle Jack calls Jean Louise a bigot because "a bigot cannot accept opinions or beliefs other than his own". He tells Scout that now is the time she needs to stay, because "the time your friends need you is when they're wrong."

Humble people do not shout down others, nor they do not back down and run away when confronted with opposition. Humble people do not always concede to other's opinions. They calmly and patiently hold their ground.

I know that I have reacted like "Scout" often, I have refused to accept opinions and beliefs other than my own, and I would say that I am not alone in doing this. It is something I see happen in the church.   We get upset because something is not to our liking, we make a big noise about it, or we stew silently. We make the church our god when we expect her to meet all our expectations and needs, to feed us, entertain us, comfort us, and agree with us. When she fails, we leave and find another church thinking that we've solved the problem; however, we carry ourselves with us, and people are people no matter what church we attend, so eventually problems arise again.

I believe that humility is lacking in our culture. I see its lack in my life every time I run rough shod over someone who is voicing an opinion that I disagree with, or when I stomp away in anger. I see its lack in the church when we quarrel, gossip, and look down on others.

I need to grow up. I know that I am blind to my own sin, and yet see other's faults with 20/20 vision.

I need to acknowledge with David,

'You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.
 You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
 You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.
 Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.

How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
 Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you.

I need to invite the Lord to

Search me... and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.

 See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting. (from Psalm 139)

I need to be like Mary, who sat at Jesus feet and listened to what he said,.

I need to do as Jesus instructed me to "take [his] yoke upon myself and learn from him, because he is gentle and humble of heart". Matthew 11:29

Taking Jesus yoke means that I am willing to learn to walk under his guidance, as he teaches me gentleness and humility of heart.

There are many lessons to learn; as long as I live, I hope to go on learning, and finding wisdom where ever the Lord leads me. 

 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.  And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Colossian 3:12-14

Our Father's world

Today, I'm thinking about my responsibility to the earth--the air, the water, the trees, the grass, the birds, the fish, and land animals. In Genesis, God created the world, and then told Adam and Eve to rule over it saying: “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.” And God said, “Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed that is on the face of all the earth, and every tree with seed in its fruit. You shall have them for food. And to every beast of the earth and to every bird of the heavens and to everything that creeps on the earth, everything that has the breath of life, I have given every green plant for food.” And it was so. And God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good. Gen 1:28-31

I admit that sometimes I take this world for granted, and sometimes I am careless in my treatment of the earth, but if I am truly serious about my commitment to Christ, then I need to realize that God has given mankind a great responsibility to use what he's created with care.  We may think that because God used the word dominion, that we have full authority to do what we like with this world; however, in Mathew 20, Jesus tells his disciples: “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave, even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

God's idea of ruling and human's idea of ruling are different. In God's kingdom, rulers are servants. I believe this is one reason that churches and governments called their leaders ministers in the first place. The Latin origin of the word minister is "one who serves" or "to perform a service", which is related to the Latin word minus meaning less. If we are to rule as God means us to rule, then we are to care for that which we rule.

In Sunday school this week, the children and I spoke about reducing, re-using, recycling, and composting. We sorted garbage together, and I realized that there is still much that doesn't fall into any of these categories. I bring reusable bags shopping, place items in the blue bin, scrape organic goods into the compost bucket, reuse plastic bags of various kinds, cut up old towels and t-shirts for rags, but I still find myself throwing away too much; consequently, I've begun thinking of ways I can re-use more things. So far, I don't have much, but one thing I decided to reuse are the resealable bags that frozen veggies come in, so I've begun washing them and putting them in the drain rack. If anyone has more ideas, please share them with me.

I also try to walk to and from work a couple of times a week; however, the weather has been putting me off lately. I was feeling justified in driving the other day because of the weather, but then I spoke to the young man who shelves books at our library, he'd just walked to work in the snow. This young man lives close to me, so no more excuses.

My small efforts, are just that--small, but what if we all did the small things?

My list of reusable items

Twist ties
Bread bag ties
Plastic containers
Frozen veggie bags
Produce bags
Yarn

Please add to the list.

Journal Dec 14/14: What if?

From my journal Dec 14/14

Colossians 3:12-17

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Lord:
Help me to listen carefully and attentively to others; help me to carefully weigh and consider what they are saying. Help me to hear the emotion behind the words. Give me empathy, compassion, kindness, gentleness, patience and humility. Help me remember that a life lived solely to gratify my own desires is not a life well lived, it does not make the world a better place, nor does it bring any glory to you. Help me to think carefully before answering. Help me to give respect to others; to remember that they are your creation, and that you love them dearly just as you love me and my own. Help me to consider other's needs and desires; to remember that they have pain and troubles, insecurities and fears just as do I.  Help me to see and consider other people's humanity. Help me to forgive as you forgive me, to extend grace as you extend grace to me, to love as you love me. Forgive me for answering quickly in anger too often, for defending my rights vehemently when what was needed was to listen with respect, empathy, gentleness, patience and kindness.

Lord, when I look at the world around me I see pain, turmoil, violence and tragedy. In the midst of it all I see humans acting with compassion and humility and I am reminded that we are all created in your image.

What if we all lived Colossians 3:12-17? What would our world look like?

Lord, I can only start with myself.

Deep Waters

I've written my incomplete, raw thoughts, and I struggled with whether to post them.

Much has been written about Robin Williams' death this week, as though hurt and depression were new. When someone rich, famous, funny, and talented commits suicide, we say, "such a waste" and "the world has lost a great talent", as though other suicides were not quite as wasteful, as though other lives were not so valuable. All of a sudden, the spotlight is on mental illness, and suicide, as though in a week, or a month it won't be relegated to a dim corner again. We become careful, and compassionate, as though by next year we won't be avoiding the eyes of someone we know suffers from depression because they make us uneasy. If mental illness makes us uncomfortable, we are no different from those who suffer; it makes them uncomfortable in their own skin.

I think the world's response to Robin Williams' death is understandable. We somehow feel as though we know Robin Williams, and so we are saddened by his loss. It's okay that the spotlight shines on this matter even if only for a short while because I believe with such exposure change happens. In previous eras if someone famous committed suicide, it was spoken of in almost hushed tones, or listed as accidental. There was a lot of shame attached to mental illness, and suicide, but thankfully things are slowly changing.

When I was younger, I overheard someone say of my brother, Paul "He's so weak!" "There is nothing to him--no backbone." I heard this or something like it more than once. I heard others imply that my parents failed. I guess because my brother was flawed. I felt shame, but I wanted to run at those people and scream. I didn't know what I'd scream; I did not have any words to describe what I felt. Today, I want to say, we are all flawed; we are all marked by a world of misdeeds.
Who of us has never felt small, or looked inward and cringed? Who has not lain awake at three am, sick with worry, or sick with regret? Who has never felt utterly alone at times? Who has never had moments of staving off words that tumble through our minds like water over a cataract, words like worthless, stupid, ugly, and useless? Imagine the loneliness lasting for weeks, months or years, and not being able to turn off those thoughts. Imagine your friends slowly disappearing. Imagine feeling like a burden to your family. Imagine, an inner ache so great you just want to take the surest way you know of to make it stop.

I understand not wanting to be around someone with a mental illness; it is no fun. Sometimes we feel as though we need to solve the "problem", but usually there isn't much we can do, except listen. Living with, or dealing with a friend or loved one who has a mental illness is exhausting. There are times when you just want that person to get better, and stop "whining". I've been there. When you feel exhausted, or overwhelmed there is no shame in taking a break. If you have a friend who is wearing you down, it is okay to ask them for a time-out. Caregivers, and friends need to take care of themselves too.

What about when the ache becomes so great that the person ends his or her own life? Suicide hurts. It smashes into you like a tidal wave, it knocks you off your feet, and you don't know which way is up. You come up grasping, gasping, and looking for somewhere solid to land only to find that someone has blotted out the sun. Those who offer warm arms, or even a warm handshake are islands of comfort, and scriptures like "I am with you always, even to the end of the age" are sparks of light.

O The deep, deep Love of Jesus

O the deep, deep love of Jesus, vast, unmeasured, boundless, free!
Rolling as a mighty ocean in its fullness over me!
Underneath me, all around me, is the current of Thy love
Leading onward, leading homeward to Thy glorious rest above!

O the deep, deep love of Jesus, spread His praise from shore to shore!
How He loveth, ever loveth, changeth never, nevermore!
How He watches o'er His loved ones, died to call them all His own;
How for them He intercedeth, watcheth o'er them from the throne!

O the deep, deep love of Jesus, love of every love the best!
'Tis an ocean vast of blessing, 'tis a haven sweet of rest!
O the deep, deep love of Jesus, 'tis a heaven of heavens to me;
And it lifts me up to glory, for it lifts me up to Thee!

 Paul

Lost in an endless ocean.
Tired of treading water.
Waves whispering, give in.
Gulls screaming, give up.
Black clouds rumbling, get lost.
The deep calling out, find peace and rest.

My comfort is that he indeed found peace and rest deep in Jesus arms.

Mother`s Journal: an unexpected gift

A few years ago our church held small group Bible studies during Lent. I don't remember all the details of what we studied, but one thing that stuck with me is the practice of journaling. I started journaling during my morning devotions, and it revolutionized my prayer life.

Journaling gives my prayer time focus and keeps me consistent; additionally, I find scripture makes a deeper impression on me when I write it out. It becomes indelible. Once I have written out the scripture, I write out my responsive prayers. They are prayers of confession, thanksgiving and intercession, not always in that order.

The other day, I came to the end of a notebook and couldn't find another. Today, I woke determined to find a notebook. In my search I came across one of my mother`s notebooks; she was also a journaler. I discovered blank pages in the center of her notebook, and decided to start where she finished.
As I held my mother`s notebook in my hand I turned to the second page, and found a prayer she`d written for me. It must have been written years ago after the birth of one of my children because it is a prayer for me and my child.

Mother and Daughter

Lord I see them there

sleeping peacefully beside one another.

Keep them safe Father,

under the shadow of your wings,

my daughter and her child.

Thank you that you know

that they are yours.

I know the times may come 

when the going is rough.

May they always stay close to you Jesus

like the little lamb with the broken leg.

Help them not to wander astray,

but stay close to you Lord, the

Good Shepherd.

Lord hear my prayer. 

I thank God for a loving, and praying mother; she has blessed me over and over. Although my mother has been gone for six years her voice speaks to me because of her habit of jounaling. I am thankful for her prayers, they reach beyond her life to future generations. My mother left a wonderful gift, because her prayers continue to touch me and my loved ones. 

Snippets of scripture from my journal this month:

Lamentaion 3:22-23

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
    his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.

 Psalm 62:1-2
Truly my soul finds rest in God;
    my salvation comes from him.
Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
    he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

Psalm 50:9-12
I have no need of a bull from your stall
    or of goats from your pens,
 for every animal of the forest is mine,
    and the cattle on a thousand hills.
 I know every bird in the mountains,
    and the insects in the fields are mine.
 If I were hungry I would not tell you,
    for the world is mine, and all that is in it.

Snippets from Psalm 90
1 Lord, you have been our dwelling place
    throughout all generations.
2 Before the mountains were born
    or you brought forth the whole world,
    from everlasting to everlasting you are God.

12 Teach us to number our days,
    that we may gain a heart of wisdom.

Psalm 91:1-2
 Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
    will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress,
    my God, in whom I trust.”

Hillsong United-Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) Lyric Video

Called by name

Since Pete was diagnosed with squamous cell carcinoma, it has been a bumpier road than I anticipated. We thought it would be a simple matter of removing the lesion with surgery, but things don't always go the way we foresee them. We have attended doctor's appointments where we left feeling like we'd just been toppled by a tidal wave, then we've felt overwhelming relief, followed by being knocked over again.

Pete has squamous cell carcinoma of the vocal cords, which has spread to his lymph nodes. He also has a mass on his lung, and many spots. He's been tested for latent TB and Hep C and B; all those tests were negative. Last week I decided to look for some answers on the internet. It was a big mistake because as I read, fear gripped my heart, and wouldn't let go. I couldn't concentrate on anything, so I decided to tackle shoveling the driveway and walkways. After an hour and forty-five minutes, the driveway, and walkways were clear; however, I was still disturbed, so I cleaned the house and went to work. After work I distracted myself with TV for a bit, and went to bed. I woke at three am feeling like I had a knife in my chest. I prayed, O God help me, I can't let go of this fear. At about 3:30am, I decided to get up and read for a bit. I took my book and left the room thinking that I would lie on the couch till I fell asleep; instead I decided to go into the guest room and lie down in that bed. As I got into bed, I noticed a little devotional book that Anna had left behind called His Footsteps, My Pathway. I began to read, and this is what I read: "Jesus said to them, 'It is I do not be afraid.'" (John 6:20) Trust Him; "I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd gives his life for his sheep."(John 10:11); "I have summoned you by name; you are mine."(Isaiah 43:1); "He himself has said, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you.'" (Hebrews 13:5); "The Lord holds your future". Peace flooded my soul. I let go of my fears and held everything up to Him who is "the alpha and the omega, the beginning and the end"(Rev:22:13). As I prayed, I realized that these promises are not just true for me; they are true for Pete. The Lord is Pete's good shepherd; the Lord has called Pete by name and he belongs to the Him; the Lord will never leave nor forsake Pete; the Lord holds Pete's future. As much as I love my husband, the Lord loves him more, and will care for him. I was able to let go, because Pete is in the best possible hands. His Father is the Father of all fathers--completely trustworthy. When I finished praying I got up, went back to bed, put my arm around Pete, and quickly fell asleep.

Something interesting happened that day as well. My friend Reta came to the door, and I let her in. She asked me how I was doing, and I started crying and told her about my fears. She hugged me and told me she would pray. I know Reta went away and prayed. I believe it was her prayers that helped win a victory for me that night. I know that many other people are praying, and I thank everyone of you. When we pray, we battle the unseen and win victories.
"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places." Ephesians 6:12

I want to be there for Pete and help him through this, and the best way I can do that is to trust fully on my Lord.



“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
    I have called you by name, you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
    and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;" Isaiah 43:1b&2a

New Year, New Day

On January 1st  this year, I read Ecclesiastes 12: 13, which is what Solomon, the wise, wrote near the end of his life. "The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man."

Reading this verse got me thinking about God's commandments. I thought about what Jesus answered when asked, "Teacher, what is the greatest commandment in the Law?  And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets." Matthew 22:35-40

Why did Jesus pick these two, which are not officially part of the Ten Commandments, and why did he claim that all the Law and Prophets depend on these two commands?

I think it is because Jesus knows that love motivates us to put the commandments into practice. If we love God, we will not want other gods, and if we love others we will want to to treat them well.

The other verse that came to mind is found in Micah 6:8

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.
    And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
    and to walk humbly with your God.

I think that this is what obeying those commands looks like.

But how do I live like this, what are the components that make up a life lived by acting justly, loving mercy and walking humbly? What came to mind then was this: "Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony." Colossians 3:12-14

Jesus led the way. He lived like this.

These verses are not new to me; I've read them before. I've failed in observing them many times, and God in his grace has forgiven me many times.

I cannot live like this by making resolutions, or by willing it.
I cannot even start on this life by myself, my nature wars against it. My natural tendency is to look after me and my own. I need him.  "God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:4-9

I am his work in progress, and I cannot grow unless I abide in him.

He said "Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." John 15:4 &5

What is the fruit that we bear when we remain in him?
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law." Galatians 5:22-23

The Bible is repetitive; God stresses love.

He is our Father; he wants what is best for us all.

The word also talks about putting on the armour of God, but it is not because he wants us to be a violent people. He does not tell us to take up arms against one another, but against an enemy that is not of flesh and blood. The enemy that would have humankind devour itself with hatred, greed, pride, selfishness, self-centeredness and self-preservation.

The Armour of God

The belt of truth
Breastplate of righteousness
Shod with the readiness given by the gospel of peace
The shield of faith
The helmet of salvation
The sword of the Spirit; the word of God

To stand against oppression, cruelty, and injustice; to reach out in Christ's grace, mercy, and love; to treat others with respect, and seek to understand; to bless even those who curse us and to forgive because we have been forgiven.

It's Merry Christmas not happy holidays! Really?

I am bemused by the "Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays" debate. Is this the message of Christ mas? Did Christ teach us to defend our rights to celebrate our holidays; did he teach us to protect those rights at the peril of alienating those of other faiths?  

Christ tells us to love, do good, bless, pray for our friends, and those who agree with us? No, but to do these things for our enemies:

 “But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also, and from one who takes away your cloak do not withhold your tunic either. Give to everyone who begs from you, and from the one who takes away your goods do not demand them back.(Luke 6:27-30)

Are we really being attacked, are we really suffering when someone says Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas? Are the ones who say Happy Holidays really our enemies? 

There are Christians in other parts of the world who lives are in danger for proclaiming their faith in Christ, and we here in North America are upset because the teller at the bank or the circulation clerk at the library says Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas! 

Christ did not die to give us another holiday to celebrate; he died to give us new life. He died because as fun as holidays are, they don't heal men and women's souls. 

He gave us a message to proclaim. The message that Christ has come, Christ has died, Christ has risen and lives today. His message has not changed in over two thousand years; he still proclaims,

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." (Matthew 11:28 & 29)

When someone says "Happy Holidays" this season, bless them. 

O the deep, deep love of Jesus, vast, unmeasured, boundless, free!

Rolling as a mighty ocean in its fullness over me!

Underneath me, all around me, is the current of Thy love

Leading onward, leading homeward to Thy glorious rest above!

O the deep, deep love of Jesus, spread His praise from shore to shore!

How He loveth, ever loveth, changeth never, nevermore!

How He watches o’er His loved ones, died to call them all His own;

How for them He intercedeth, watcheth o’er them from the throne!

O the deep, deep love of Jesus, love of every love the best!

’Tis an ocean full of blessing, ’tis a haven giving rest!

O the deep, deep love of Jesus, ’tis a heaven of heavens to me;

And it lifts me up to glory, for it lifts me up to Thee. (Thomas Williams)

Tapestry

Our loved ones never really leave us; we carry them with us forever.

 I wake up thinking of mom, her smile, her joy at seeing her family arrive unexpectedly in church on Mother's day. I see her outstretched arms as she greets her children and grandchildren. I see her reach way up to give her tall son-in-law and hug.  I can see her fretting around the kitchen on Christmas day. I still feel her pain as I remember her tears as she said good-bye to two sons. The words "he's no longer in pain" ring in my ears, when talking about Paul's death. Her unwavering faith in her Father God's goodness inspires me. Her love and acceptance of others tempers my behaviour.

 I hear a song and it reminds me of Paul, his shy smile, the silly expressions he used like "gaganoons!" and "hold onto your hats we're going for a hay ride!" I remember the joy on his face every month as he received another "book of the month" as a child. I picture us playing games well into the night to ward off the nightmares he experienced. The look of pride on his face as he held his first niece Tina fills my mind. Paul's struggle with mental illness has given me a tender heart toward those who struggle with addictions, depression or other illnesses. It has taught me to realize that often the people the world considers weak or even lazy are anything but.

 Some one tells me about a broken TV and I am instantly reminded of David who could fix almost anything electronic. I remember David running pretty much everywhere as a kid and young man. I think of the funny voices he used at times. How he loved to use our video camera saying " I prefer to be behind the camera not in front of it" in a sort of Groucho Marks voice.  I remember his love for scary movies and anything American. I can see David's enthusiasm for seat belts until it became the law to wear one, then he would mutter "strapped down like an animal!" David's differentness has made me sensitive to those we consider the "other." When I meet someone "different", it reminds of David's longing to be accepted and it influences my attitude.

 Our loved ones never leave us; we carry them with us forever. However, it is more than just memories we carry and our lives are more than just touched by those closest to us; their essence is intertwined with ours. We look at our lives and cannot pull the threads of our loved ones lives from ours.  Their lives mesh with ours and create the tapestry that is life.

 

The Father of All fathers

Mother's day is approaching but lately I find myself thinking more about fathers and what that name means.

For some the word father means one who abuses his authority because he can. Most fathers are bigger and stronger than their wives and all tower over their children. Some use their strength to abuse or tyrannize their families. For others the word father means neglect, disinterest, distance and even abandonment. For some father means shame or guilt.

For some the sound of father returning home is not a welcome sound, for some the sound of father's footsteps does not fill them with confidence but dread.

Over the years I have come to know my God as my Heavenly Father. I have discovered him to be the true perfect Father of all fathers. He is fully trustworthy and loving. God my Father wants the best for me and he knows without a doubt what that is. He is the one I can put my full trust in and know that he will never betray or abuse it. He uses his power and authority to do good. He is perfect love.

When I turn to him I find forgiveness and grace. When I come to him with my problems he does not spew out blame or shame he listens and guides me. When I come to him hurting he does not turn his face away but takes me in his arms and says "peace, be still."

I have found peace and rest in my Father.




"See how very much our Father loves us, for He calls us His children, and that is what we are!" 1 John 3 vs. 1

All For Love

by Mia Fieldes

All for love a Father gave.. For only love could make a way... All for love the heavens cried.. For love was crucified.

Oh, how many times have I broken your heart... But still you forgive if only I ask..
And how many times have you heard me pray..Draw near to me..

Everything I need is You
My beginning and forever
Everything I need is You

Let me sing all for love.. I will join the angel song. Ever Holy is the Lord, King of Glory, King of All.

All for love a Saviour prayer.. Abba Father have your way.. Though they know not what they do.. Let the cross draw man to you

Christmas 1999

This morning I've been thinking about the Christmas of 1999. That was the year my brother David died.

Several days before Christmas my dad called. His statement was stark, void of embellishment, just the naked truth "David's dead". It struck me like a sudden slap, stunned me and I couldn't think. I hung up the phone without asking any questions, went and told the children that Uncle David had died and then called Pete. He asked me a barrage of questions I couldn't answer then I went and sat down by myself. It wasn't long before Grace came and sat with me, held my hand and said some simple words of empathy. Her actions and words wrapped themselves around me like a blanket. I didn't want to move, didn't know if I could, but Christmas was coming, it loomed overhead like a thick purple snow cloud. How were we going to get through it?

Christmas came closer, my parents came, broken and in pain and without David. I wondered how are we going to get through it? My brother Rob, sister-in-law Marian and their children came and again I thought, how?
We got through it. In the midst of our grief we had each other, we had the children and we had hope. We found the spark of joy in the darkness.

Christmas time is no different than any other time of the year when it comes to human suffering.
People die and loved ones grieve.
Families shatter.
People suffer loneliness and depression.
Hospitals are busy.

My family had each other and we held each other up. We had the children and they made us smile. We have Jesus and he gives us hope.
There are those who don't have what we have and are shut out of the light and warmth.

The lesson Jesus taught me through my pain is that instead of pursuing the spirit of Christmas there is more meaning in embracing the Spirit of Chirst and praying for and giving to others.
There are so many opportunities to give at Christmas, the local toy and food drive, the Red Cross, World Vision, Compassion, the Salvation Army and perhaps even an extended invitation to Chirstmas dinner.
To quote Jesus ..."the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." Matthew 20:28
Whatever we do is only a small measure of what Jesus did for us but it is still worth doing. If we all do just a few small things there may be a few more smiles and a bit more light this Christmas.

The most wonderful thing about embracing the Spirit of Christ is that he doesn't abandon us after the decorations are down and tree has become compost.

Perfect Christ-mas

For many people Christmas is a wonderful time of year. They love everything about it and talk about the Christmas Spirit. I must be honest. The thought of Christmas coming fills me with a sense of dread. My stomach clenches, I wake up in the mornings with clenched jaws and a headache. Why?

Christmas for me is a hectic time. I love giving gifts but can't stand shopping or malls. I feel pressure to have the house decorated just perfectly, have scads of baking done and the presents wrapped expertly and under the tree before December 24th and still study for exams, go to work, do laundry, housework, cook meals and this year get a house ready to sell!

I love Christ. I love that God lowered himself to be born in the same manner that all humans are born, but in a primitive barn. "He made himself lower than the angels" and he did it for love.

I love family. I love the gathering of family, the joy and the laughter of those who love one another deeply.

I love giving and, Christmas is a perfect time for that.

I don't love the sense that we must somehow create the Perfect Christmas, that we must create the perfect memories and traditions.

Every year I need to remind myself that if our house doesn't resemble the home on the Christmas edition of Good Housekeeping, and if my family has to eat store bought baking this year, that does not make Christmas a failure. Every year I need to remind myself to relax and remember what is really important.

Jesus Christ was born, not so that we could have a winter holiday, drink eggnog, attend concerts, or even so that we can gather with loved ones around the Christmas tree. He was not born so that once a year we could have some sort hazy feeling called the Spirit of Christmas. Then on December 26 rush madly out to boxing day sales where we swear at those who take our parking spaces and urgently grasp at the best deals of the year.

Jesus was born into a world of hopelessness, at a dark time in the history of a nation in order to be the world's Hope and Light.  Christ was born to be a sacrifice. The perfect lamb for the forgiveness of sin, our sin. He was born with blood and water destined to die a bloody, tortuous death by crucifixion, and he did it out of love.

The most important thing about Christmas is not to create the perfect spirit of Christmas but to answer Jesus' question. "Who do you say that I am?" (Matthew 16:15)

We don't need a fat man in a red suit, a star on a Christmas tree, a turkey dinner. We need what God has to offer, the gift of the Spirit of his One True Son living in us 365 days a year, year after year. This is what I need to remember.

Springs of Living Water

Before I met Jesus I was thirsty. I drank from many wells but came away more thirsty. I was a pre-teen pariah so I checked out the well of the cool. I thought I'd found my circle but it turned out I was a square and the water was polluted. I drank the party life and woke the next morning with a hangover thinking never again. Several days later I'd wake with another hangover. One day I said enough I'll try the well of human affection but that well ran dry quickly.

 

I knew where the best water was. The coolest, freshest, living water. I didn't want to go there, it meant abandoning the other wells I'd dug. I didn't care that the water of one was polluted, another brackish and one completely dry they were my wells and I wanted them.

 

I didn't know the joy of drinking cool, fresh water. I didn't know the comfort of having a source of living water.

 

One day Jesus met me at one of my wells and he said, "so how's the water?"

I said "not the best but its all I have so I guess it will have to do." 

He said to me "why settle? My water really is the best and it never runs out."

"Jesus, I'm afraid. I don't want to be dissappointed, left sick with dysentery, in pain and thirsty again.

Jesus said "Trust me." 

 

On a day when I was sick with dysentery, in pain and thirsty Jesus words came back. I was sobbing hot tears and I heard him say, "trust me." At that moment I decided to abandon my wells and let him lead me. 

 

There have been tears in my life. I have walked throught the valley of Baca (lamentation). Jesus is the spring in those thirsty lands. Jesus causes the deserts to bloom. He is my strength, comfort, peace and joy.  

 

Psalm 84

How lovely is your dwelling place,
O Lord of hosts!
My soul longs, yes, faints
for the courts of the Lord;
my heart and flesh sing for joy
to the living God.

 Even the sparrow finds a home,
and the swallow a nest for herself,
where she may lay her young,
at your altars, O Lord of hosts,
my King and my God.
 Blessed are those who dwell in your house,
ever singing your praise! Selah

 Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
in whose heart are the highways to Zion.
 As they go through the Valley of Baca
they make it a place of springs;
the early rain also covers it with pools.
They go from strength to strength;
each one appears before God in Zion.

 O Lord God of hosts, hear my prayer;
give ear, O God of Jacob! Selah

 Behold our shield, O God;
look on the face of your anointed!

 For a day in your courts is better
than a thousand elsewhere.
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
than dwell in the tents of wickedness.

 For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
the Lord bestows favor and honor.
No good thing does he withhold
from those who walk uprightly.
O Lord of hosts,
blessed is the one who trusts in you!

 

 

Cross references:

1. Psalm 84:1 : Ps. 8, title; 81, title
2. Psalm 84:1 : Ps. 42, title
3. Psalm 84:1 : [Ps. 27:4]
4. Psalm 84:1 : Ps. 43:3; 132:5
5. Psalm 84:2 : [Ps. 42:1, 2; 63:1]
6. Psalm 84:2 : [Ps. 73:26; 119:81; 143:6; Job 19:27]
7. Psalm 84:2 : See Ps. 42:2
8. Psalm 84:3 : Ps. 5:2
9. Psalm 84:4 : See Ps. 65:4
10. Psalm 84:4 : Ps. 42:5, 11; 43:5
11. Psalm 84:5 : [Ps. 122:1]
12. Psalm 84:6 : Joel 2:23
13. Psalm 84:6 : Ezek. 34:26
14. Psalm 84:7 : Prov. 4:18; Isa. 40:31; [John 1:16; 2 Cor. 3:18]
15. Psalm 84:7 : See Ps. 42:2
16. Psalm 84:8 : See Ps. 59:5
17. Psalm 84:9 : Ps. 80:14
18. Psalm 84:9 : See Ps. 3:3
19. Psalm 84:10 : ver. 2
20. Psalm 84:10 : 1 Chr. 26:19
21. Psalm 84:11 : Isa. 60:19, 20; See Ps. 27:1; Mal. 4:2; Rev. 21:23
22. Psalm 84:11 : [See ver. 9 above]; See Ps. 3:3
23. Psalm 84:11 : Ps. 85:12; [Ps. 34:9, 10; Matt. 6:33; 7:11]
24. Psalm 84:11 : Ps. 15:2; Prov. 2:7
25. Psalm 84:12 : See Ps. 2:12

Here in the grace of God

Today my bible reading was the story of Jesus calming the storm.

"Then he [Jesus] got into the boat and his disciples followed him. Suddenly a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!”
 He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm." (Matthew 8:23-26)


  In the past when I read this passage I heard Jesus speaking angrily, gruffly as though saying "oh man not again, when are these people ever going to learn!" For the first time I heard a different tone in Jesus voice. I heard him speak gently to his disciples, without annoyance, anger or harshness but gently as though teaching children a lesson.

Reading this story reminded me of I Corinthians 13 so I read it too. These passages stood out to me, 1 Cor 13:4-7 "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;  it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

Reading 1 Cor 13 reminded me of Matthew 7:1-5. In this passage Jesus tells us not to judge others and says "In the same way you judge others you will be judged...first take the plank out of your own eye."

I realized that I don't love the way Jesus loves. I get irritable with others, am often easily angered, I don't bear all things, I am arrogant and rude at times, I don't always let go of wrongs but hang onto them. In short, I fall short and am in need of God's love, grace and forgiveness daily. But I don't always grant grace to others.

It amazes me how patient Jesus is with me. He didn't simply forgive me, he went to the cross for me. He made the ultimate sacrifice for me.

Who am I to withhold forgiveness, grace? Who am I to recount my neighbours wrongs against me?

"Here in the grace of God I stand."(Dave Bilbrough)

When I see my grievances in the light of Jesus cross, I see the pettiness and the grubbiness of my own heart and I repent.  Once again  I stand amazed at his love and his patience. It is his goodness that inspires me to let go of my paltry complaints and ask him to create a clean heart within me.

Love divine, all loves excelling,

Joy of heaven to earth come down;
Fix in us thy humble dwelling;
All thy faithful mercies crown!
Jesus, Thou art all compassion,
Pure unbounded love Thou art;
Visit us with Thy salvation;
Enter every trembling heart.

Breathe, O breathe Thy loving Spirit,
Into every troubled breast!
Let us all in Thee inherit;
Let us find that second rest.
Take away our love of sinning;
Alpha and Omega be;
End of faith, as its Beginning,
Set our hearts at liberty.

Come, Almighty to deliver,
Let us all Thy life receive;
Suddenly return and never,
Never more Thy temples leave.
Thee we would be always blessing,
Serve Thee as Thy hosts above,
Pray and praise Thee without ceasing,
Glory in Thy perfect love.

Finish, then, Thy new creation;
Pure and spotless let us be.
Let us see Thy great salvation
Perfectly restored in Thee;
Changed from glory into glory,
'Til in heaven we take our place,
'Til we cast our crowns before Thee,
Lost in wonder, love, and praise. (Charles Wesley)

I love this hymn but the last verse always gets to me. When we stand before this LORD who is love what will we do. We will realize our own "crowns" are nothing and will cast them down before Him who has the right to be called the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords.

His Way

Have you ever been wounded? Have you ever experienced a wound that slashed through your life and affected every aspect? Some people can say no while others know that some experiences leave you scarred, perhaps even handicapped in some ways.

When I became a Christian I thought, was led to believe, that anger, hate and depression would automatically be swept away by the flood of Jesus love. Jesus' love dramatically affected me, I was no longer alone and knew an unconditional love like none other. However, I was surprised by the anger and hatred that lingered within me. I learned the words, "Forgive as you have been forgiven" and I really tried to but the feelings of anger kept coming back. I was ashamed of those feelings so I tried to push them down but they seemed to grow. As the feelings intensified I became even more ashamed so I pushed down harder. I cried, "Lord please help me to forgive," but still I didn't seem to be able to let go. Finally I became depressed, I hated myself and I thought about dying a lot.

 Around this time we started going to a new church, one that had a professional counselor on staff. I decided with fear and trembling to pay  him a visit. Over the course of months I told him my story, one that few knew, and he helped me to sort through the confusion. As we walked through my experiences step by step, we prayed and step by step, I let go of my pain and I forgave. After months I found relief from anger, feelings of hatred and my depression was lifted off me like a heavy wet blanket.

Forgiveness can be a complicated matter. Sometimes one can forgive easily because the wound is little more that an abrasion other times it is a deep and wide gash or a cut that that has been opened over and over again. These injuries need treatment and time to heal.

After my sessions were over I thought that I would never have to deal with those feelings again but some things go deep and lurk in hidden crannies and then pop up when least expected. At these times I seek out help and talk things over, hidden things tend to grow rotten and create problems, talking about them helps to sweep them away.

I am the one who has benefitted the most from forgiveness. I have peace and true joy in my heart rather than turmoil and pain.

Sometimes we feel that we can't forgive because it means letting the person off the hook. Forgiveness is not the same as making excuses for a person. When we hurt others there is always a price to pay so when someone misbehaves and willfully hurts others they need to be held accountable for their actions. The Lord does not excuse our bad behaviour we must come to him and contritely confess our sins to recieve his forgiveness and grace. We are saved to eternal life and God calls us his children but there are still earthly consequences for our sins, we do not escape them and we shouldn't. Jesus says "if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift."(Matthew 5:23 &24)

Forgiveness does not mean making excuses for or letting people off the hook or allowing them to continue hurting others. Forgiveness means letting go of hurt, loving that person whole heartedly and praying for the Lord's blessings on them. Love and forgiveness do not always come instantly at our bidding or easily but if we are willing Jesus who is love can and will help us. I am thankful that he was patient with me and helped me.

I Corinthians 13

13 If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.  If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,but do not have love, I gain nothing.

 

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.  For we know in part and we prophesy in part,  but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.  For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Lately certain verses are resonating with me.

"Blessed [happy] are the poor in spirit [the humble], for theirs is the kingdom of heaven" (Matthew 5:3)
“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal" (Matthew 6:19)
"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."(Matthew 6:33)

These verses speak to me because sometimes I get caught up in thinking about how I look, the clothes I wear, my hair style, make-up, the stuff I own. I have been influenced by the media that tells me that I should try to "look seven years younger" or that I need to own a certain pair of shoes, dress in fashionable clothes and look a certain way (Good Housekeeping). The truth is that I can only take this kind of thinking for so long before I break down. Experience has taught me that this is not the way to happiness or a sense of fulfillment but that this leads to feelings of futility. With this world's "water" I need to keep returning to the well time after time, Jesus however promises that "whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” (John 4:14)

Jesus knows the futility of setting my hopes and dreams on what our culture says is desirable, material goods, intellectual advancement, beauty or critical acclaim. Using these devices to fix what is wrong doesn't work because our satisfaction erodes with time and we must seek more. If I build a house out of sand adding more sand as it erodes will not fix the problem, I need to start over again using a completely different material. (Matthew 7:24-27)

“Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it."

Once in a while I forget Jesus words and I begin to build a little sand castle for myself and then Jesus reminds me of his words.

 "Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness"

The following is an old hymn. We sometimes think that hymns are out of style but I have found that they hold wisdom that is often lacking in our culture and times. I know that I have much to learn from these oracles of God.


A Hymn of Grace

THE SOLID ROCK

Keith W. Ward



My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus’ name.

When darkness veils His lovely face,
I rest on His unchanging grace;
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.

His oath, His covenant, His blood
Support me in the whelming flood;
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my hope and stay.

When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh, may I then in Him be found;
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne.

Refrain:
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand,
All other ground is sinking sand.

Daylight

Last month I wrote about my brother Paul who committed suicide.

Sometimes when we open up our hearts to others we expose dim, dusty corners. It's like opening the curtains on a sunny morning. What had been gray and indistinct becomes clear, you can suddenly see detail.

After I wrote that post, one memory kept coming back to me. It was the last conversation I had with my brother. The kids and I were in Owen Sound visiting my parents. At the time we had three children, a seven month old, a two year old and a nine year old. We'd spent part of the day with Paul. The rest of the day was spent keeping up with the children. During the afternoon and evening Paul called numerous times to speak with my mother. She was a patient, kind and understanding woman, her heart went out to anyone who needed help. She was a good listener, which is why Paul called her so often. Sometimes though, it's the compassionate, kind people who wear themselves out. That evening my mother was exhausted. When my brother called for the umpteenth time that day, I picked up the phone, he wanted to speak to my mother again. I told mom who it was and her face fell, she was wiped out, drained. I felt caught, my brother needed to talk, my mother was worn out. I thought maybe he would talk to me. I told him that Mom was worn out and needed a rest, too tired to come to the phone. Paul exploded! He screamed in my ear. At that moment I knew that any conversation was not possible so I said, "Paul I love you but I have to hang up now." He yelled again and I hung up. It was the last time I spoke to him, he died less than a week later.

Remembering this makes me deeply sad. I have never really thought about that last conversation. I didn't wanted to look at that memory, I kept it in a corner, half hidden. I was aware of it but I ignored it. I didn't want to look at it because it hurt too much and I had those awful niggling feelings of guilt.

Since I wrote the post that memory has been exposed to the fresh air and light of Jesus love. I have cried, mourned. I wish that my last conversation with my brother had been pleasant, but it wasn't. I have talked with Jesus about it and he is helping me to see the memory more clearly. My brother had attempted suicide before, more than once. He was a troubled young man and I was unable to help him, it was beyond me, beyond my mother, father or any of my other brothers. We did what we could and it wasn't enough. We are only human.

 Paul gave his heart to Jesus, he went through the waters of baptism, but still suffered in a way that few understand. He is with the Lord in a place where there is no sorrow or suffering.  The Lord gave me this portion of scripture long ago about my brother, "A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out." God's grace is greater than any other; he is full of compassion and mercy.



Wonderful the matchless grace of Jesus,
Deeper than the mighty rolling sea;
Wonderful grace, all sufficient for me, for even me.
Broader than the scope of my transgressions,
Greater far than all my sin and shame,
O magnify the precious Name of Jesus.
Praise His Name!

Runaway!

When I was young, I ran away from God.

At the age of twenty, I was a new mother, living with a man who was still married to someone else. We lived in Alberta. When the economy turned bad I returned to my parents' house while the man I was living with looked for work. At home, I encountered Jesus and came face to face with my own heart. He spoke to me of his love and goodness, of the sacrifice that he had made for me. I saw my heart in light of his goodness, purity and faithfulness. I saw my unworthiness. I had been living a half-life, solely devoted to myself and pursuit of happiness. I understood that he was offering me more than happiness or pleasure. In him, I would find a well of living water, fresh, clear and satisfying. As the months wore on he spoke to me and said "don't go back to Alberta, trust me, I will be all you need, I will fill all the gaps." I came very close to giving in, I even called the man I loved and told him I would not be returning. Then sanity returned. I had given over a year of my life to this man, had a child with him. I faltered in my determination to stay in Ontario. I called him back in tears and said, "Forget what I just told you, I'm coming back".

Once I had made the decision to return to Alberta, I closed my ears to Jesus voice, ignored the scratchy feeling in my heart that told me I was making a mistake. I ran away from God and into another's arms where I had no business being. I thought I could go back to life as usual but I had no peace. I could not turn off the voice of God no matter how hard I tried. I was lonely during the day and terrified at night. When my partner was away from home over night I could not bring myself to turn out the light, I would lie curled in a ball under my covers until I fell asleep. Everywhere I looked, I encountered the Lord's message, on billboards, in songs, at the library. Every time I turned around he was there and yet I was far from him. "Day and night [his] hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped." (Psalm 32:4) Finally, one day I could stand it no longer I got down on my knees and cried, "Oh God, forgive me! I can't ignore you anymore and I don't want to live without you! I don't care what I have to do; I want to have you in my life." At that moment I knew, he was asking me to leave the man I loved, the one I had a child with. I tried to get out of it, I asked the man if we could get married, but he said no. When he said no my heart sank and I said, "Well then I think I have to leave." There was no pleading, no argument, just "yes, I guess you do."

It was not easy; I cried for 7 days off and on, I could not seem to stop the tears. In the end, I got on a plane and returned to Ontario. As I walked away from the man, I loved, a weight fell from me, my sorrow disappeared and I was free. I never turned back.

When I left Alberta I didn't know if I would be single for the rest of my life. I could not see mysef ever loving another man. After a few years I began to long for a partner. My focus changed from living for the Lord to living for the day when I'd be married. My peace was disturbed, I became dissatisfied, lonely.  But God is good and he turned my eyes back on him and my peace returned.

One day the Lord brought a good man into my life, I fell in love and got married. Pete and I have shared 25 years together. God has been faithful, he has helped us change and grow together as we raised our children and made our way through life. It was the Lord's plan for me to have someone special, I just had to wait for his timing and his man.

The Lord has never let us down. At our wedding we sang the hymn, "Great is thy faithfulness" and I have discovered the truth of that. I am overwhelmed daily at his love and goodness. I am blessed daily by his grace. He has promised "I am with you always, even to the end of the age". He is faithful.

 I have also discoverd that the Lord is that "river of living water" and I need never be thirsty.

There is a river that flows from deep within.
There is a fountain that frees the soul from sin.
Come to these waters, there is a vast supply.
There is a river that never shall run dry. (Sapp)

Praise the Lord, my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
² Praise the Lord, my soul,
and forget not all his benefits—
³ who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
⁴ who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
⁵ who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s. Psalm 103:1-5